20 Comments
Oct 30Liked by David Epstein

Sounds an awful like Rogerian psychotherapy to me?

Expand full comment
author

Hi John, thanks for the comment. I have only passing familiarity with Rogerian psychotherapy, although I think I recall that it is user-centric, so to speak, and I believe also has some aspect of helping someone listen to themself. I would assume that good conflict management techniques would have a lot in common with therapeutic techniques, given that they both revolve around productive thinking. That said, I guess I view the patient-therapist dynamic as quite different from the one involving parties navigating an active disagreement. I'd be interested to here more detail on your thought if you're willing to share.

Expand full comment
Oct 30Liked by David Epstein

My understanding of Rogerian psychotherapy is you are creating a safe space where the client can understand what they are saying through their own evaluating process. They are understanding themselves better. As you are understanding them better. The Human Givens (HG) Rewind technique is a guided imagery technique that helps people reprocess traumatic events that also seems to have some of the same characteristics. In very non technical terms it seems tht externalizing what is "in your head" and then "bring it back in in a safe environment at a minimum enables you to live with your thoughts and at a lot of the emotional content out of them. This decoupling of overwhelming emotional content enables a lot of non compulsive behavior and conversation and lets conversation take. place. I suspect that the techniques of the process in your article do a lot more than just what's "advertised" without the parties involved even realizing it

Expand full comment
author

Thanks so much for this description! This is really interesting, and I wonder if it also jibes with some of the research on so-called "distanced self talk," which seems to be surprisingly effective for regulating emotions. Really appreciate you sharing this John.

Expand full comment

Glad to have someone listen

Expand full comment
author

If you can recommend any particular reading or listening, I'd love to learn more.

Expand full comment

rewind theory

https://www.humangivens.com/2021/11/18/the-rewind-technique-a-powerful-detraumatisation-method-that-works/?srsltid=AfmBOoodowzx8j4W8tdwRGkmqCIVHNPvCpJ5_W4ZiYek8OZW5RwRZQF0

https://www.humangivens.com/college/rewind-technique-training-workshop/

Carl Rodgers

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK589708/

https://journalpsyche.org/revisiting-carl-rogers-theory-of-personality/

The other side of the srtory from a brillant mind who is on the spectrum with two PhDs and a Rabbinic position

https://rabbionthespectrum.com/the-book/

Carl Rodgers wrote 16 books, Interestingly, one of his students started

https://nonviolentcommunication.com/about-marshall-rosenberg/ I don't know Carl's role

My personal experience with the links between emotion and reasoning includes "teaching" students how to "unfreeze" so they could take an exam

By the way, I believe a "healing" conversation has long lasting effects beyou what happened during the conversation

Expand full comment

I found this fascinating and useful, David. Looping, understory and the cues. Small tweaks to dealing with people and diffusing potential conflict to some constructive argument...at least if I can put it that way 😉

Expand full comment

This is great insight; there's a recent startup (www.iresolve.ca) that is trying to help people practice these conversations with a chatbot trained on conflict resolution (so that they don't need to be as fully present, skilled, and thoughtful as some of these require).

Expand full comment

This was so interesting and so useful!

Expand full comment
author

Thanks for reading, Margie!

Expand full comment

Really fantastic interview with insights on conflict resolution that are truly valuable.

Expand full comment
author

Really appreciate you reading, and the kind words David!

Expand full comment

Been quietly enjoying your newsletter for a while. Thanks for sharing so much.

Expand full comment
author

That's so nice of you to say. I was just looking at a few of your poems, and this line in particular caught me: " 'Let’s read another one' time "

Expand full comment

Ah, thanks David, I really appreciate you taking the time to do that 😌

Expand full comment

Apparently Rogers influence is wider than I thought

https://www.listeningway.com/

Expand full comment

Life truly is practice. Never overlook the opportunities in elevators! Indeed, as to looping and identity discovery, it reminds me to add to the discussion here something Thich Nhat Hanh emphasized: this idea of compassionate listening. It might be overlooked as a hackneyed expression, but it's worth considering as a self-management approach in the context of conflict, given that the difference between a "tone of curiosity" and being curious, the difference between proposition and perspective, is something surprisingly many of us can tune into. We are tremendous sense-making machines! And that shift into becoming requires practice, but also, a quality of heart-brain coherence that enables genuine receptivity for ideas that might feel terrible in our bodies. Ever tuned in when you're mid-conflict to recognize heat in your hands, or speed in your chest? Getting curious about these sensations is another layer of practice, a critical foundation for other nuanced communication strategies. When the window through which we see the world is clear, sometimes (but not always) the skills we need arrive for us! It's as if nature knows.

Expand full comment

What do you put on toast in your house, David? Butter? Jelly?

Expand full comment
author

I'm a big fan of almond butter...which I have been known to eat without the bread...🤔

Expand full comment