This was a great article. I am now a heart transplant patient mentor, and these ideas and strategies will be very helpful for me in discussions that I have been involved in.
Hi John, thanks for the comment. I have only passing familiarity with Rogerian psychotherapy, although I think I recall that it is user-centric, so to speak, and I believe also has some aspect of helping someone listen to themself. I would assume that good conflict management techniques would have a lot in common with therapeutic techniques, given that they both revolve around productive thinking. That said, I guess I view the patient-therapist dynamic as quite different from the one involving parties navigating an active disagreement. I'd be interested to here more detail on your thought if you're willing to share.
My understanding of Rogerian psychotherapy is you are creating a safe space where the client can understand what they are saying through their own evaluating process. They are understanding themselves better. As you are understanding them better. The Human Givens (HG) Rewind technique is a guided imagery technique that helps people reprocess traumatic events that also seems to have some of the same characteristics. In very non technical terms it seems tht externalizing what is "in your head" and then "bring it back in in a safe environment at a minimum enables you to live with your thoughts and at a lot of the emotional content out of them. This decoupling of overwhelming emotional content enables a lot of non compulsive behavior and conversation and lets conversation take. place. I suspect that the techniques of the process in your article do a lot more than just what's "advertised" without the parties involved even realizing it
Thanks so much for this description! This is really interesting, and I wonder if it also jibes with some of the research on so-called "distanced self talk," which seems to be surprisingly effective for regulating emotions. Really appreciate you sharing this John.
Great interview! Your comment that being in "journalist mode" makes it easier to be curious made me think of the difference I have experienced between being a mentor and a manager at work. When I'm a mentor/coach, I can be curious and loop more easily, because if they choose not to come to my way of thinking or take my advice, it's on them. As a manager, however, I have some accountability for their performance, so I am invested in the outcome of our conversation in a different way. I can be curious and loop for a while, but if they're not getting it...a more direct approach is sometimes required. That can be difficult balance to achieve, and one I'm still learning.
I found this fascinating and useful, David. Looping, understory and the cues. Small tweaks to dealing with people and diffusing potential conflict to some constructive argument...at least if I can put it that way 😉
This is great insight; there's a recent startup (www.iresolve.ca) that is trying to help people practice these conversations with a chatbot trained on conflict resolution (so that they don't need to be as fully present, skilled, and thoughtful as some of these require).
Life truly is practice. Never overlook the opportunities in elevators! Indeed, as to looping and identity discovery, it reminds me to add to the discussion here something Thich Nhat Hanh emphasized: this idea of compassionate listening. It might be overlooked as a hackneyed expression, but it's worth considering as a self-management approach in the context of conflict, given that the difference between a "tone of curiosity" and being curious, the difference between proposition and perspective, is something surprisingly many of us can tune into. We are tremendous sense-making machines! And that shift into becoming requires practice, but also, a quality of heart-brain coherence that enables genuine receptivity for ideas that might feel terrible in our bodies. Ever tuned in when you're mid-conflict to recognize heat in your hands, or speed in your chest? Getting curious about these sensations is another layer of practice, a critical foundation for other nuanced communication strategies. When the window through which we see the world is clear, sometimes (but not always) the skills we need arrive for us! It's as if nature knows.
This was a great article. I am now a heart transplant patient mentor, and these ideas and strategies will be very helpful for me in discussions that I have been involved in.
A big thank you.
Steve, that is fantastic. So gratifying to hear from someone doing what you're doing.
Apparently Rogers influence is wider than I thought
https://www.listeningway.com/
Sounds an awful like Rogerian psychotherapy to me?
Hi John, thanks for the comment. I have only passing familiarity with Rogerian psychotherapy, although I think I recall that it is user-centric, so to speak, and I believe also has some aspect of helping someone listen to themself. I would assume that good conflict management techniques would have a lot in common with therapeutic techniques, given that they both revolve around productive thinking. That said, I guess I view the patient-therapist dynamic as quite different from the one involving parties navigating an active disagreement. I'd be interested to here more detail on your thought if you're willing to share.
My understanding of Rogerian psychotherapy is you are creating a safe space where the client can understand what they are saying through their own evaluating process. They are understanding themselves better. As you are understanding them better. The Human Givens (HG) Rewind technique is a guided imagery technique that helps people reprocess traumatic events that also seems to have some of the same characteristics. In very non technical terms it seems tht externalizing what is "in your head" and then "bring it back in in a safe environment at a minimum enables you to live with your thoughts and at a lot of the emotional content out of them. This decoupling of overwhelming emotional content enables a lot of non compulsive behavior and conversation and lets conversation take. place. I suspect that the techniques of the process in your article do a lot more than just what's "advertised" without the parties involved even realizing it
Thanks so much for this description! This is really interesting, and I wonder if it also jibes with some of the research on so-called "distanced self talk," which seems to be surprisingly effective for regulating emotions. Really appreciate you sharing this John.
Glad to have someone listen
If you can recommend any particular reading or listening, I'd love to learn more.
rewind theory
https://www.humangivens.com/2021/11/18/the-rewind-technique-a-powerful-detraumatisation-method-that-works/?srsltid=AfmBOoodowzx8j4W8tdwRGkmqCIVHNPvCpJ5_W4ZiYek8OZW5RwRZQF0
https://www.humangivens.com/college/rewind-technique-training-workshop/
Carl Rodgers
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK589708/
https://journalpsyche.org/revisiting-carl-rogers-theory-of-personality/
The other side of the srtory from a brillant mind who is on the spectrum with two PhDs and a Rabbinic position
https://rabbionthespectrum.com/the-book/
Carl Rodgers wrote 16 books, Interestingly, one of his students started
https://nonviolentcommunication.com/about-marshall-rosenberg/ I don't know Carl's role
My personal experience with the links between emotion and reasoning includes "teaching" students how to "unfreeze" so they could take an exam
By the way, I believe a "healing" conversation has long lasting effects beyou what happened during the conversation
Great interview! Your comment that being in "journalist mode" makes it easier to be curious made me think of the difference I have experienced between being a mentor and a manager at work. When I'm a mentor/coach, I can be curious and loop more easily, because if they choose not to come to my way of thinking or take my advice, it's on them. As a manager, however, I have some accountability for their performance, so I am invested in the outcome of our conversation in a different way. I can be curious and loop for a while, but if they're not getting it...a more direct approach is sometimes required. That can be difficult balance to achieve, and one I'm still learning.
Love this. Is there a tipping point when you can be too curious: drill down on seeming gaps in logical reasoning, with too many follow-up questions?
I found this fascinating and useful, David. Looping, understory and the cues. Small tweaks to dealing with people and diffusing potential conflict to some constructive argument...at least if I can put it that way 😉
This is great insight; there's a recent startup (www.iresolve.ca) that is trying to help people practice these conversations with a chatbot trained on conflict resolution (so that they don't need to be as fully present, skilled, and thoughtful as some of these require).
This was so interesting and so useful!
Thanks for reading, Margie!
Really fantastic interview with insights on conflict resolution that are truly valuable.
Really appreciate you reading, and the kind words David!
Been quietly enjoying your newsletter for a while. Thanks for sharing so much.
That's so nice of you to say. I was just looking at a few of your poems, and this line in particular caught me: " 'Let’s read another one' time "
Ah, thanks David, I really appreciate you taking the time to do that 😌
Life truly is practice. Never overlook the opportunities in elevators! Indeed, as to looping and identity discovery, it reminds me to add to the discussion here something Thich Nhat Hanh emphasized: this idea of compassionate listening. It might be overlooked as a hackneyed expression, but it's worth considering as a self-management approach in the context of conflict, given that the difference between a "tone of curiosity" and being curious, the difference between proposition and perspective, is something surprisingly many of us can tune into. We are tremendous sense-making machines! And that shift into becoming requires practice, but also, a quality of heart-brain coherence that enables genuine receptivity for ideas that might feel terrible in our bodies. Ever tuned in when you're mid-conflict to recognize heat in your hands, or speed in your chest? Getting curious about these sensations is another layer of practice, a critical foundation for other nuanced communication strategies. When the window through which we see the world is clear, sometimes (but not always) the skills we need arrive for us! It's as if nature knows.
What do you put on toast in your house, David? Butter? Jelly?
I'm a big fan of almond butter...which I have been known to eat without the bread...🤔