I love this idea; I've been fortunate, I suppose, to have a spring birthday and observe Rosh Hashanah in the fall (typically around September), so I wind up with ~3 major natural "reflection points": The Gregorian calendar change, my age change, and the Jewish calendar change. I don't always make those changes, but I think it at least has helped me limit the damage from my "what the hell" moments when I've failed at a goal to the next few months, saying "try again at the next milestone" rather than waiting until the following January.
First off, I'm super excited about the TED talk. Acho's book, Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man was a huge mind shift for me and a helpful resource for others.
Second, the whole "revisit the New Year's resolutions" later point is huge. We haven't iterated well mid-year but our family pattern has been to evaluate what happened in the previous year (wrote about it here on Substack a couple of weeks ago) before even reporting on success with the goals. Really helpful post here: I'll check out Cautionary Tales too (second recommendation in 2 months on that).
David, I liked the different perspective on resolutions. Approach goals versus avoidance goals and whether they're mutually exclusive...not necessarily. Whatever the case, goals must be specific.
I don’t have New Year’s resolutions; I have projects.
One that I started near the end of December (because the end and beginning of the years overlap & meld for me) is to read one sentence of Harry Potter 3 in Japanese each day, looking up & writing out all the kanji.
It doesn’t matter if I stop, because that means I’ll be trying something else.
Last year I decided (in February?) to pick out a new recipe each week, get the ingredients and make it. I wanted to try new foods, to bring new things into my life. It gave me something to look forward to. It didn’t stick for many months, but the spirit is still there: oooh I could pick out a new recipe!
Such a great read! I went back to read the post from 3 years ago, and it was cool to see you reflect on a resolution about late night snacking. After reading all this discussion, I have to ask: what's a resolution your making? Are you trying to make it granular? Is it an approach goal or an avoidance goal? Any chance Tim would be willing to share one too? Thanks as always.
Ya know, I have to say, kicking the late-night snacking mostly stuck! That said, I was afforded a change of physical environment, which I may have conflated too easily with a general turning of the page. Hard to know, but whatever the case, that was a long running bad habit and it's basically gone. Regarding resolutions generally, I'm actually not much of a New Year's resolution guy. My thing is my "book of small experiments," which I know I've mentioned in various places, but not sure in this newsletter. And I put something in there I want to "test," so to speak (learn or try out), at least every other month. And it is often quite granular because of the way I do it. It might be "I want to learn more about X job," and so the "experiment" is I have to find a person in that job and talk to them, so it gives me an actionable thing. Sometimes the "experiment" that comes from the goal isn't quite so narrow. One of the best ever was when I wanted to try more structurally diverse writing, and the experiment became taking a beginner's online fiction-writing course. That turned on to have a huge impact on my work. So that's kind of my system. When I was much younger, I think I was more apt to set longer-term, more nebulous goals. But now I've been doing my "book of small experiments" thing for some years now, and found it really fruitful. Many of the experiments amount to little or nothing, but every once in a while there's a big impact. I guess a few years ago the book and the new year coincided, and I decided to spread some volunteer time across a few different organizations, and to use that time to decide which I then wanted to put all of that time into starting in the second half of the year. So I guess that lined up with a new year, but I think it was more driven by the book of small experiments habit than the new year. ...My most effective avoidance goal was probably when I decided I would never again fight with people on Twitter. Avoidance worked pretty well in that case. What about you?? And I will ask Tim! Thanks to the UK parkrun system, Tim surprised himself by becoming a habitual runner, so I know he has running goals now. (That recreational system also helped Georgia Bell: she came to the US for grad school and ran a bit at UCLA, but was always injured; went on to a career in cyber security; did some parkruns during Covid and realized if she cross-trained with cycling she wouldn't get hurt, and she just won bronze in the 1500 in Paris!)
Great topic, David!, and I'm once again itching to add something to the discussion:
Has anyone read Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey's "How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work"? It was an absolute game changer for me regarding the topic of change. The two Havard developmental psychologists unravel, at least for me, the nagging question of why New Year's resolutions so often fail – in Tim's words above, "If you have 100 people who start who wouldn't have started, and only five of them stick with it, well, you just had five people who now have an exercise habit who didn't. So that's a win. But still, you do kind of wonder about the other 95." Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey analyse the situation and offer their help to the other 95.
They kick off their introduction with the question "What do you really want ... and what will you do to keep from getting it?"
They offer a new angle from which to view the process (or attempt) of change, both personal as well as organisational or societal. In their own words, from the second paragraph of their introduction: "if we want deeper understanding of the prospect of change, we must pay closer attention to our own powerful inclinations n o t to change. This attention may help us discover within ourselves the force and beauty of a hidden immune system, the dynamic process by which we tend to prevent change, by which we manufacure continuously the antigens of change. If we can unlock this system, we release new energies on behalf of new ways of seeing and being."
They go on to transcend the usual dualism of a force for change and a counterforce preventing that change (usually fuelling New Year's resolutions and the basis of so many guidebooks on how to change), with the force to be strengthened and the counterforce to be weakened, outwitted, fooled, bribed, fought down or in whatever other way overcome. Instead, they take up a respectful, curious, even appreciative stance towards this counterforce, a stance asking what the reasons of this part of ourselves is to posit itself in this way, to counter the intentions of our immediately conscious self (and sometimes also to counter our health, our job prospects, career perspectives etc.). With this move, the playing field available to the individual, organisation or society to pitch for change alters and possibilities for lasting, long-term change come into view.
They acknowledge that it is really difficult to take that stance. Again in their own words: "one of the things that makes gaining this understanding so difficult is that we tend to be held captive by our own immune systems. We live i n s i d e them. We do not 'have them;' they 'have us.' We cannot see them because we are too caught up in them." They are usually operating from our unconscious.
Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey's book is about accompanying the reader (and their clients) in their quest to make this unconscious immune system visible, to view it from a respecful and curious distance, with appreciation, and thus gain the freedom to change for real – lastingly and with respect for all aspects and parts of oneself or one's organisation or society involved in the change.
Whether regarding New Year resolutions or in view of how we are continuing to run down our planet, seemingly unable to change our detrimental habits individually, organisationally or as a society: I find this book highly relevant as well as helpful and cannot recommend it enough to anyone interested in the how, why and why not of change.
I love this topic! I backed out of a sales career because the constant goals weighed too heavily, but something must have stuck because I love a New Years Resolution - and while I didn’t achieve them all last year, I can see where I failed.
Here are my tips:
1. Write them down. Obvious, but not everyone does. Mine are pinned on my notes app.
2. Review them often, and set them with this in mind. I totally agree with the section on reviewing above. One of mine was to read 24 books, so 2 a month is easy to monitor. Another, get a dog, wasn’t (and wasn’t very realistic either, but that’s another matter).
3. Make them attainable throughout the year. I assume everyone knows about SMART objectives, but this is more - if I ended Feb with only 3 books read, I can catch up. “Arrange a date night every month” can be failed by the 1st Feb.
4. Gamification helps, for me at least. I love maintaining a kindle streak or ticking off every lb lost.
I’m intrigued to know what methods have worked for other people
I love this idea; I've been fortunate, I suppose, to have a spring birthday and observe Rosh Hashanah in the fall (typically around September), so I wind up with ~3 major natural "reflection points": The Gregorian calendar change, my age change, and the Jewish calendar change. I don't always make those changes, but I think it at least has helped me limit the damage from my "what the hell" moments when I've failed at a goal to the next few months, saying "try again at the next milestone" rather than waiting until the following January.
three major natural reflection points...I love that framing Jacob
First off, I'm super excited about the TED talk. Acho's book, Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man was a huge mind shift for me and a helpful resource for others.
Second, the whole "revisit the New Year's resolutions" later point is huge. We haven't iterated well mid-year but our family pattern has been to evaluate what happened in the previous year (wrote about it here on Substack a couple of weeks ago) before even reporting on success with the goals. Really helpful post here: I'll check out Cautionary Tales too (second recommendation in 2 months on that).
James, thanks so much for this great comment. That's an excellent ritual, and leaving your New Year's post here for others who scroll the comments: https://leadwithclarity.substack.com/p/uniting-your-family-in-shared-goals
David, I liked the different perspective on resolutions. Approach goals versus avoidance goals and whether they're mutually exclusive...not necessarily. Whatever the case, goals must be specific.
Daniel, thanks for reading and for this comment. You concisely captured my own most important takeaways!
I don’t have New Year’s resolutions; I have projects.
One that I started near the end of December (because the end and beginning of the years overlap & meld for me) is to read one sentence of Harry Potter 3 in Japanese each day, looking up & writing out all the kanji.
It doesn’t matter if I stop, because that means I’ll be trying something else.
Last year I decided (in February?) to pick out a new recipe each week, get the ingredients and make it. I wanted to try new foods, to bring new things into my life. It gave me something to look forward to. It didn’t stick for many months, but the spirit is still there: oooh I could pick out a new recipe!
Having tried out something once makes it into a resource I can fall back on if I need something.
Such a great read! I went back to read the post from 3 years ago, and it was cool to see you reflect on a resolution about late night snacking. After reading all this discussion, I have to ask: what's a resolution your making? Are you trying to make it granular? Is it an approach goal or an avoidance goal? Any chance Tim would be willing to share one too? Thanks as always.
Ya know, I have to say, kicking the late-night snacking mostly stuck! That said, I was afforded a change of physical environment, which I may have conflated too easily with a general turning of the page. Hard to know, but whatever the case, that was a long running bad habit and it's basically gone. Regarding resolutions generally, I'm actually not much of a New Year's resolution guy. My thing is my "book of small experiments," which I know I've mentioned in various places, but not sure in this newsletter. And I put something in there I want to "test," so to speak (learn or try out), at least every other month. And it is often quite granular because of the way I do it. It might be "I want to learn more about X job," and so the "experiment" is I have to find a person in that job and talk to them, so it gives me an actionable thing. Sometimes the "experiment" that comes from the goal isn't quite so narrow. One of the best ever was when I wanted to try more structurally diverse writing, and the experiment became taking a beginner's online fiction-writing course. That turned on to have a huge impact on my work. So that's kind of my system. When I was much younger, I think I was more apt to set longer-term, more nebulous goals. But now I've been doing my "book of small experiments" thing for some years now, and found it really fruitful. Many of the experiments amount to little or nothing, but every once in a while there's a big impact. I guess a few years ago the book and the new year coincided, and I decided to spread some volunteer time across a few different organizations, and to use that time to decide which I then wanted to put all of that time into starting in the second half of the year. So I guess that lined up with a new year, but I think it was more driven by the book of small experiments habit than the new year. ...My most effective avoidance goal was probably when I decided I would never again fight with people on Twitter. Avoidance worked pretty well in that case. What about you?? And I will ask Tim! Thanks to the UK parkrun system, Tim surprised himself by becoming a habitual runner, so I know he has running goals now. (That recreational system also helped Georgia Bell: she came to the US for grad school and ran a bit at UCLA, but was always injured; went on to a career in cyber security; did some parkruns during Covid and realized if she cross-trained with cycling she wouldn't get hurt, and she just won bronze in the 1500 in Paris!)
Great topic, David!, and I'm once again itching to add something to the discussion:
Has anyone read Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey's "How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work"? It was an absolute game changer for me regarding the topic of change. The two Havard developmental psychologists unravel, at least for me, the nagging question of why New Year's resolutions so often fail – in Tim's words above, "If you have 100 people who start who wouldn't have started, and only five of them stick with it, well, you just had five people who now have an exercise habit who didn't. So that's a win. But still, you do kind of wonder about the other 95." Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey analyse the situation and offer their help to the other 95.
They kick off their introduction with the question "What do you really want ... and what will you do to keep from getting it?"
They offer a new angle from which to view the process (or attempt) of change, both personal as well as organisational or societal. In their own words, from the second paragraph of their introduction: "if we want deeper understanding of the prospect of change, we must pay closer attention to our own powerful inclinations n o t to change. This attention may help us discover within ourselves the force and beauty of a hidden immune system, the dynamic process by which we tend to prevent change, by which we manufacure continuously the antigens of change. If we can unlock this system, we release new energies on behalf of new ways of seeing and being."
They go on to transcend the usual dualism of a force for change and a counterforce preventing that change (usually fuelling New Year's resolutions and the basis of so many guidebooks on how to change), with the force to be strengthened and the counterforce to be weakened, outwitted, fooled, bribed, fought down or in whatever other way overcome. Instead, they take up a respectful, curious, even appreciative stance towards this counterforce, a stance asking what the reasons of this part of ourselves is to posit itself in this way, to counter the intentions of our immediately conscious self (and sometimes also to counter our health, our job prospects, career perspectives etc.). With this move, the playing field available to the individual, organisation or society to pitch for change alters and possibilities for lasting, long-term change come into view.
They acknowledge that it is really difficult to take that stance. Again in their own words: "one of the things that makes gaining this understanding so difficult is that we tend to be held captive by our own immune systems. We live i n s i d e them. We do not 'have them;' they 'have us.' We cannot see them because we are too caught up in them." They are usually operating from our unconscious.
Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey's book is about accompanying the reader (and their clients) in their quest to make this unconscious immune system visible, to view it from a respecful and curious distance, with appreciation, and thus gain the freedom to change for real – lastingly and with respect for all aspects and parts of oneself or one's organisation or society involved in the change.
Whether regarding New Year resolutions or in view of how we are continuing to run down our planet, seemingly unable to change our detrimental habits individually, organisationally or as a society: I find this book highly relevant as well as helpful and cannot recommend it enough to anyone interested in the how, why and why not of change.
I love this topic! I backed out of a sales career because the constant goals weighed too heavily, but something must have stuck because I love a New Years Resolution - and while I didn’t achieve them all last year, I can see where I failed.
Here are my tips:
1. Write them down. Obvious, but not everyone does. Mine are pinned on my notes app.
2. Review them often, and set them with this in mind. I totally agree with the section on reviewing above. One of mine was to read 24 books, so 2 a month is easy to monitor. Another, get a dog, wasn’t (and wasn’t very realistic either, but that’s another matter).
3. Make them attainable throughout the year. I assume everyone knows about SMART objectives, but this is more - if I ended Feb with only 3 books read, I can catch up. “Arrange a date night every month” can be failed by the 1st Feb.
4. Gamification helps, for me at least. I love maintaining a kindle streak or ticking off every lb lost.
I’m intrigued to know what methods have worked for other people